by Julian Cortez

Tears are the waters that cleanse, clear and refresh your soul’s path. It’s important in life. It’s especially important if you are in recovery. Old hurts, resentments, pain, and anger must be flushed out if we are to remain sober and remain healthy. Our internal world affects us physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I remember twenty years ago when I thought a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another was living. Then it was the coffee in the morning and being thirty pounds overweight. My exercise consisted of walking to the bathroom and going to the clubs to dance. I hid my pain behind a glass, behind my weight, behind smoke from the cigarettes and in the darkness of clubs. I was not crying enough. Not for the pain or joy. I was numb and lost and didn’t know it. Have you ever felt like you wanted a “do over” in certain parts of your life? Were those “fun” years or completely insane years? My body was rattled with aches and pains. Was this the beginnings of disease or aging or both? But wait twenty years ago I was in my early thirty’s. I was so unconscious in my life at that time. I couldn’t feel let alone feel my tears. So I lived this toxic life and held in my tears. Coming from a holistic perspective did my toxic lifestyle cause disease?

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2002. I didn’t capitalized the word ms because I refuse to give it a lot of attention, power or importance yet I feel the pain. The pain of the lost of some of my body’s functioning and I cry a lot some days. The release feels good. I’m not hiding these days. I deeply believe that the body will heal itself over time without being bombarded with toxics (alcohol, nicotine, refined sugars, and processed foods). This doesn’t mean I don’t get scared because I do. I stopped drinking and smoking years ago, and lost thirty pounds. My diet has changed to more whole grains and vegetables and less processed foods. I try to cultivate authentic relationships with people in my life. Do I feel like smoking? ----Yes, everyday. Do I feel like drinking? ---Yes, at least six times a week. I don’t because it will acerbate and accelerate the ms symptoms. Also, through the years I’ve learned of healthier ways to cope with life. So, I cry, it’s healthier. I cry for once was and I also cry for the joy of realizing I needed to take a different path toward health. These paths are not linear at times can winedy, at time circular when you do the same thing over and over again until something clicks for you and you realize I have to change or die.

So what’s next on my journey of healing? Being open to receive Love from others. One of the tentacles of ms has showed and taught me to love myself more. I am a dad to a funny, smart, tricky, creative, sensitive and curious six year old. He has opened my heart unconditionally and has touched places in my heart that has challenged and scared me. I believe this opening has created a space to love deeper. Emptying out the pain hurt, shame and anger has created a space for JOY. It was through accessing my feelings through crying and self-reflection that made this process possible. Crying is not a one time event. If we are lucky it’s a continuous process balancing tears of pain and joy.