by Heather Klem

The topic of acceptance is so profoundly expansive and nuanced that each merits its own article. I have chosen to expound upon those lessons and threads of insights most germane to my own journey, and that ring truest to my heart.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous informs us that acceptance is the answer to all of our problems today. This is a bold declaration. Is acceptance

really a comprehensive cure-all? Is it truly that important? And if so, how do we practice it?

Acceptance calls us to embrace what is; it encourages us to exist in an unnerving state of inaction, to go nose to nose with undiluted reality. It summons surrender, suggesting the very radical: that we simply be. It is by far the hardest concept for me, yet it proves such a ready remedy for so much of the internal opposition in my life. It is the absence of fighting; it is surrender to resistance that things are any different than they are. Acceptance of self, of others, of horrifying events and devastating circumstances, acceptance of life as it is --- right here, right now – is, to say the least, uncomfortable. It can be profoundly painful. Practicing acceptance is hard.

We have been culturally conditioned to bypass this stop on the change train. We are a society of doers, accelerating life in an increasingly technological age. We rarely stop, honor the moment and embrace what is. We reason that it is ineffective to simply “be”. We are taught to seek solutions or to jump on the blame bandwagon. Pausing here feels unnatural and inefficient. But it is in these passive places that more is being worked out. It is in the absence of forcing solutions or levying blame that we are called to practice acceptance. We can become lassoed to specific outcomes that hold us hostage, believing that our security, serenity and sanity lie in something external. When things do not work out as planned or that particular outcome does not bring the desired effect, we feel victimized, perpetually pinned to the pity pot. We work overtime, channeling our energy in ways that actively drive us out of the ache of acceptance. The irony is we can rarely take effective action until we embrace a situation, person or circumstance exactly as it is. We are not victims. By practicing acceptance we are opened to innumerable options, rays and layers of insight that were blocked by our subscriptions to solutions.

As a recovering pessimist, I often found myself crankily contesting reality. I railed against acceptance and believed it was on par with resignation. I thought that if I accepted something in its purest form, I was forfeiting my right to take action and confirming my permanent citizenship in the State of Self Pity. The Serenity Prayer encourages us to accept the things that we cannot change. This includes all matters outside us, including other people. So much can be said and written on the art of accepting other people in our lives without qualification, especially those who are hurting us, themselves or others. Accepting other people wholly does not mean that we have to condone their actions or choices. It does not mean that we accept unacceptable behavior. It simply means we allow others the dignity of their own journey and we learn to love and care for them in ways that work.

A respected mentor of mine has said, “You don’t have to like it or agree with it, but you do have to accept it.” I needed to be willing to see things exactly for what they were, however indigestible. When we practice acceptance it does not mean that we give up responsibility for changing our lives. Paradoxically, it is here that we are empowered. We have limitless options when we step back, resist the need to be constantly in control and allow life to naturally unfold.

The most significant style of acceptance is arguably that of the self. The advertising industry targets our most basic insecurities and capitalizes upon them. Our culture cultivates the idea that the self, as it is, is not good enough and that we must always be in the business of changing, altering and perfecting. At present, the topic of acceptance is so alarmingly apropos. As I sat down to write this piece I could feel a creative block. The more I attempted to force the flow of words, the more paralyzed I became. What is often cleverly crafted with ease felt disjointed and uninspired. I was faced with embracing my resistance, befriending it and gently inquiring as to how I could work with it in order to free my creative energy. As a default I believe intellectualizing every problem or issue will create solutions. I have to practice softening, stepping back, and mustering the innocent curiosity of a child. Instead of harshly judging and “should”ing on myself, I could accept myself unconditionally in that moment despite the discomfort. I could turn inquisitively inward and give myself permission to experience something slippery and unclassified. When I finally let go of my attempts to figure it out and fix it, I found the words. Self acceptance grants me the gift of being in the present with my flawed human beauty and not jumping into judgment or attempts to alter it. The benefit lies not in focusing on changing ourselves, but beginning first by accepting ourselves.

Acceptance is an art, a sweet surrender. Once we have examined and rearranged the mental furniture in the awareness stage, we are called to take stock of what has gathered and accept it exactly as it is. Acceptance can produce miraculous liberation, a freedom from the limited solutions of the human mind. Once we allow things to be just as they are we open ourselves to greater possibilities. When we sit in the resistance to do, act or blame we reclaim our essence as human “beings”. We allow ourselves to decelerate the forward frenzy of life that keeps us out of the present. Life will continue to serve up lessons that test our tolerance for truth. In acceptance we release resistance and can trust that we are being primed to take effective action. It is when we can settle into the rolling waters of being that we are free to experience peace and serenity. In acceptance we learn to thrive in the fertile flow of life.