Fr. Bill Wigmore
CEO of Austin Recovery

It’s been several years now since I completed a men’s retreat in the mountains of New Mexico. I wish I’d done it thirty years before as I’m still reaping some of its spiritual rewards today! Fr. Richard Rohr, a well-known Franciscan priest, led the retreat that included a hundred men from all over the country. Some of us were in recovery; but most were not. The idea behind the retreat was to experience five days of initiation rites designed especially for men. Rohr believes that men, especially men from our Western cultures, aren’t initiated into life as they are in many other societies around the world. In most tribal cultures, when its time for a boy to become a man, that’s when he’s taken from his mother’s arms and the male Elders of the tribe lead him deep into the woods or high up into the mountains to introduce him to the darker side of life.

That “darker side” is spiritual - but it’s a spirituality that always involves pain and ego-deflation. In New Mexico, the first thing they did to us was to withdraw some of life’s creature comforts. Creature comforts, they said, keep us spiritually asleep and oblivious to the spirit world that surrounds us all. So we got a taste of fasting and silence; we lost our electricity and did without indoor plumbing. Initiation is never achieved by following “a softer easier way!”

As in recovery, stories often play a large part in initiation rites. Stories of ancient kings and famous warriors of their tribe - men who spiritually woke-up from sleep and connected with the great Powers and Realities living deep inside themselves. Most initiation rites also include practices where the Elders cut or pierce the boy’s body in some way. They draw blood, leaving life-long scars meant to remind the boy of the pains of growing up. Since we fail to do this for our boys today, they often go out and search for them in tattoo parlors and through body piercings. Initiation rites, it seems, just won’t be denied them.

Women usually don’t require these initiation rites because nature better prepares them for life’s harsher lessons. Around the same time the boys are taken away, the girls begin their menstruation cycles. They come to know pain and they witness their own blood pour out. Monthly, nature reminds them of its power over them so they’re usually far more grounded within their bodies. Men, however, can stay immature indefinitely! So just as puberty arrives, telling us how strong and potent we are both inside and out, tribal societies have always practiced these rites to draw our blood and remind us we’re not nearly as powerful as we think.

Modern religions do precious little to prepare us for the pains of life. There’s a lot of “feel good religion” out there that sounds good coming from the pulpit or through the TV. It’s mostly “pie in the sky religion” – religion that’s ultimately shallow and doesn’t help people grow up spiritually or come anywhere close to teaching us how to “Live life on life’s terms.” If it’s old school religion it says: “Do this and you’ll receive your reward in heaven.” If it’s New Age, it says, “Do this - and you’ll find ‘abundance’ awaiting you on your doorstep.” Neither draws any blood or stirs much controversy - that might cut down on the collection or cut into the preacher’s book sales.

On the final day of our retreat in New Mexico, we were sent up into the mountains to be alone with God and to face innermost-ourselves. Reminiscent of some of those tribes, just before we set off, the Elders blessed us and handed each of us an envelope with a single page tucked inside. We were to open and read it when the time was right. But first, their instructions were to go climb for an hour or two. They said we should go find a place way up in the mountains far away from everyone else – and there – using branches or rocks, mark out a five-foot prayer circle. Once completed, we were to step inside and not leave the circle for five full hours. They told us that many men chose to step inside naked – although the dress code was completely optional. Being in recovery, I figured half-measures would avail me nothing – so buck-naked, I built my circle and stepped into it – ready to face God, and life, and some of my fears head on.

Now being from the city and not a country boy – the first lesson I learned was that the shade covering me at 11 o’clock had completely disappeared by noon! The sun had moved – without so much as asking my permission! For four more hours, naked and baking in the hot sun, my long delayed initiation had begun.

When I opened my envelope I discovered five truths I was now instructed to think and pray about. They were truths worth wrestling about with God. Truths my ego certainly wanted to deny. Truth #1 said flatly: “LIFE IS HARD.” And Truth #2 didn’t soften the blow any, but added insult to injury with this reminder: “YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.”

The remaining three truths went on puncturing my ego and ripping away at some of the lies I love to tell myself. Truth #3 said: “YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT.” Oh, how that one hurt! I like to think I’m really important! Then Truth #4 came rolling out: “YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL.” That one was terrifying to this control freak! And Truth # 5 challenged the way I’ve always lived my whole life when it said: “YOUR LIFE IS NOT ABOUT YOU.” My God, if life’s not about me; then who the hell is it about? Five hours wasn’t gonna be anywhere near long enough for me!

Maybe those of us in 12-Step programs had a little head start on some of the guys who were facing these truths for the first time. I don’t believe the 12-Steps are intended to carry us up to the heights of heaven – I rather believe they’re meant to carry us down to rattle the gates of hell – a hell that’s alive and well and living inside each one of us. I believe the Steps are more like a spiritual initiation that works toward destroying our old, … deluded, self-centered selves - so that God and our Sober Elders can put the pieces of our lives back together – but do it in a whole new way – and within a whole new self.

When we can accept the truths of life – really accept them at their deepest and most painful levels – then we walk through those truths and we come out their other side - changed. We come to know that LIFE IS HARD – but we know still deeper that no matter how hard it is - God is here and God’s with us in our pain. We come to know that WE ARE EACH GOING TO DIE – but we know even deeper that “though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death” – now we have nothing to fear – because Jesus walked through it before us - and God raised him up – and that truth changes everything.

And when we come to learn that WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL - Then maybe we’re ready to hear God say, “But I am with you – I am here to take control of your life - if only you’ll let me.” And finally, when we’re told that OUR LIVES ARE NOT ABOUT US – maybe then we’ll begin to look beyond ourselves – maybe we’ll begin to wake up from our self-centeredness and see all those people around us who are hurting and to be there for them instead of always asking: “What’s in it for me?”

Too many of our young men today are receiving their initiation rites in street gangs and in prison. Too many of our Elders are drifting away from our campfires. It’s not too late to do something about this. Maybe a good place to start is Rohr’s book: Adam’s Return. I hope it draws some of your blood and leaves an indelible mark on your soul.