by James Baker

Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

I promise you I am normally an easy going kind of guy, but when my girlfriend starts complaining to me and cutting me down about stuff, I have a real short fuse. Over the weekend she got in my face and told me I needed to look for a job and I just couldn’t deal with it. I stood up to her and told her to get off my back and shoved her and broke some stuff, and she ended up calling the cops. I just can’t stand it when she starts criticizing me like that, but I don’t know how to stop. What can I do to keep her from messing with me?

Fed Up in Chicago

Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

I am a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year old and a 4-year old. I volunteer at my church, I am active in our local neighborhood association, and everyone thinks I am a model citizen. They don’t know I have a terrible problem controlling my anger, because it only comes out when I am at home alone with my kids. Honestly, I don’t know what is wrong with me; when my kids start crying or disobeying or making a mess I become a screaming banshee. I know I am scaring my kids because I am scaring myself. What can I do?

“Mrs. Hyde” in Salem

Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

I would like to sign up for one of your anger classes because I was arrested last week after an incident of road rage. I was coming home from work and the traffic was awful and this lady cut me off and I honked at her and she flipped me off and something in me just clicked and I chased her for 6 miles on the Interstate. When she got off, I did too, and that must have been when she called 911, because a cop pulled me over about a mile after that. They say I have to take your class or go to jail. I will because I have to, but will it really help me? This isn’t the first time I have chased someone down, just the first time I got caught.

Busted in Baton Rouge

I have a box full of letters like these from people whose buttons are getting pushed with destructive results. Because of the explosive, consuming nature of rage attacks, most people don’t stop and really try to analyze exactly how and WHY their anger got out of control. The truth is, rage attacks are always triggered by something. The process that can eventually build into an anger event begins at a definite point in time when something happens to trigger an emotional reaction in you.

Typical anger triggers

Many anger triggers occur when someone does or says something to you that makes you feel threatened. For example:

• They laugh at you (or you think they must be laughing at you).
• They take something important away from you.
• They insult you.
• They ignore you.
• They reveal private stuff about you to others.
• They criticize you.
• They disrespect you.
• They reject you.
• They put you at risk in some way.
• They physically threaten you.

The list could go on. Fed Up feels disrespected; Mrs. Hyde is probably a high achiever who feels like a helpless failure, and Busted is probably storing up anger from some other situation and releasing it on the road because it seems safe and anonymous. The point is, most anger events begin when something or someone causes us to feel threatened or at risk.

There is an anger trigger inside most of us just waiting to be pulled. In the case of those we call “anger addicts,” they can’t wait pull it. Why? Perhaps they have been living for a long time with a set of shame issues or other wounds that cause them to feel threatened or at risk most of the time. Then they find an excuse to get angry and, for a brief moment, this rush of anger creates the illusion that they are “in control” of what ever is threatening them. As with any addiction, though, the “relief” is short-lived and soon they are right back in the shame cycle again. Instead of taking “control” through rage or intimidation, confront the trigger. Ask, “Why am I feeling threatened or afraid?” When you find that answer, you can take your first real step toward finding a real solution.