Building your Recovery "by the Book"
"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell -- and great was its fall!" – Gospel of Matthew
Step Five says, “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being – the exact nature of our wrongs.” My first time in treatment, that Step scared the hell out of me!
Fr. Bill Wigmore
CEO of Austin Recovery
There were some things I had done, and a few things that I had left undone, that I fully intended to take with me to the grave. Nobody was ever gonna know all those parts of my self.
And so after I left treatment that first time, you know what happened: “The rain fell, and the floods came” and when somebody popped open a can of beer, the wind from that can was so strong that it blew me right over! My foundation was definitely made of sand; and in less than three months I was drunk and drowning in a flood of alcohol once again.
"And then after all the secrets, and the shame, and the tears came pouring out of me, Floyd looked at me and said, 'Bill, welcome to the human race! Welcome home!'"But a year and half later - when I finally washed ashore - and this time, a lot further downstream than the first, I was fortunate enough to receive a second chance. This time I knew my foundation needed to be a whole lot stronger than before. So when the time came to face that searching and fearless moral inventory – I finally did it. I put it all down on paper and then, one Saturday morning, I sat in front of my sponsor Floyd still scared - but this time, willing to go to any lengths to get sober.
Floyd said some things to me that day that I’ve never forgotten. Before we began, he said that he was there with me because the Step required another human being to be present; and since the rest of the human race couldn’t all make it that day, he was going to be sitting in on their behalf. He joked and he put me at ease.
Then he said it was important for me to know that he wasn’t there to forgive me – That part, he said, would come from God and maybe from some of the people I’d harmed. But he was there to accept me - because when it had come his time to do this very same thing, another man in the program had been there to accept him – and so he came to listen.
And then after all the secrets, and the shame, and the tears came pouring out of me, Floyd looked at me and said, “Bill, welcome to the human race! Welcome home!” I don’t believe I ever felt more at home in my own skin than I did that day. A huge weight had been lifted from my soul. Another human being knew me – knew all of me! He knew the good, the bad and the ugly! And that other human being had accepted me just as I was – No worse or no better than himself; just another “ONE OF!” (There are no dues or fees for membership in the program – all it costs us is everything we’ve got.)
Now I bring that story up because I think that’s what most of us experience when we’re finally willing to do an honest Step Five. But there’s another part of that Step – and it’s a part that probably doesn’t get nearly the attention it deserves. You see, the Step also says we admitted these very same things to our selves as well as to God.
I’m not sure how Bill Wilson knew that a thorough housecleaning required sitting down with our selves and with God in order to complete the job – but after many years in recovery, I know he was absolutely right. Psychologists tell us we are at least two selves and maybe more. As addicts, our false self was always the one we showed to the world. We were all actors putting up a brave front until the psychological structure we had built on lies of sand came crumbling down. Wilson must have known, as any good therapist knows, that that’s the time we should come face to face with our True Selves – the Selves we were each meant to be. We need to sit down with that True Self and, in the light of its Truth, we need to bring our shadow sides, our false selves to it if we are ever to find the inner-healing and acceptance we all crave. Just as Floyd accepted me, I needed to accept me too. I am the good, the bad, the ugly, and the false – and until I accept all of those in me, I’ll never find the wholeness I crave.
And speaking of wholeness, Wilson also knew, that as addicts, we need to repeat the very same exercise, but this time, sitting in the presence of God. Wilson had a powerful experience of the Living God when his own false self finally cratered during his fourth and final trip to detox. In that dark and depressing hospital room, more alone than he had ever felt in his life, Bill took his fifth Step with his God. He finally admitted to his Maker, his own weakness, his own failures, his own desperate need for help. And when he asked, “God, if you exist, show yourself to me!” – God obliged and came flooding his soul with his Presence and washing over him with his Love. Bill withstood the flood – and from that moment on, Bill knew his drinking problem was somehow solved. He knew he was no longer building on sand – but on a mountain - and he said that on that mountain, “a wind of Spirit and not of air” was blowing all around him.
If you want to build a sober house that’ll stand – then get to know the Carpenter who can help us build them. You might even try doing the Fifth Step the way the Step suggests – and let that Carpenter or his Father get to know you too.
Fr. Bill Wigmore is CEO of Austin Recovery. A complete copy of this series is available at http://www.austinrecovery.org/articles/thefaithcorner.asp Send comments, questions and treatment scholarship donations to: Fr. Bill Wigmore, CEO / Austin Recovery / 8402 Cross Park Dr. / Austin, Texas 78754 or email: billw@austinrecovery.org