Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

This is hard for me to write about, but I know I need help. Last year, after more than 25 years of marriage, my husband had an affair. Eventually, he came home, mumbled an apology, we went to counseling for a while, and we are now trying to put our broken marriage back together. Now, I try to look forward, I try to have hope, but then this overwhelming anger comes sweeping through and I erupt, saying horrible, hurtful things. I have applied some of your techniques to control my anger, and it does help, but I am still very angry. Is there anything else I can do?

Broken and Boiling in Boston

Dear Broken:

First of all, you have to remember that there are people with anger problems, and then there are people with problems that make them angry. You are in category two. In this case, your anger is very normal. If you read this column regularly, you know I try to help people realize that anger is a neutral emotion – you can’t really say it is either bad or good. Anger is simply the process our thoughts, emotions and body go through when we feel threatened in some way. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, the pain comes instantly; it isn’t right or wrong – it just happens.

Right now you are going through the same kind of normal reaction to a painful, threatening situation. It is very normal to be devastated and deeply angry when a relationship that you have trusted in for 25 years is suddenly jerked out from under you. How could you feel any other way?

Many people fail to realize that, in this way, anger is very often a part of the grief process, because it is one of the ways we attempt to deal with loss in our lives. When you lose something or someone important to you, the emotional pain of that loss is called grief. We are familiar with this type of pain when it comes from losing a loved one, but similar types of pain can come from losing a job, going through a divorce, undergoing some kind of trauma (especially in childhood), being forced to move from a place you loved to live, or losing respect or status due to some kind of public failure or humiliation. The list goes on and on. Finding out your spouse cheated on you and doesn’t really want to come back to you is definitely on that list.

When we encounter this kind of loss, it sets in motion a level of emotional pain that can be very debilitating and can last for months, even years. This course of pain, involves several stages. The first one - shock and denial – is rooted in confusion and numbness as you tell yourself, “No, this isn’t really happening. It can’t really be true.” However, this stage eventually gives way to another stage – anger. At this stage, you find yourself thinking, “NO, this isn’t right, it isn’t fair, they can’t do this to me, I WON’T accept this. I am going to stay angry until someone comes back and fixes what was broken or replaces what I lost and make it all better again!” Another stage can also quickly begin to arise; depression – which some people used to refer to as “anger turned inward.” Depression says, “My life will never be the same. I can’t go on. What’s the use? I won’t ever feel happy or normal again. Everything is just hopeless.”

Successfully working through the grief process so that the pain of the loss doesn’t dominate your thoughts and emotions anymore can take a long time, maybe even as much as two years for something major like the loss of a loved one. But some people get stuck in the grief process – usually at the point of anger or depression – and they can stay there for a very long time. They may even forget the reason they are angry; all they are aware of is that the world hasn’t treated them very nice, so they protect themselves by staying on guard, and staying angry. In this way, anger can give you a false sense of control or power: “As long as I stay angry, someone will have to come back and fix what was broken, or replace what was lost, or at least apologize for what they did.” Sadly, this is usually impossible. You have to find a way to accept the loss, let go, and move on.

I know that one of the things holding you back in this case is that it seems your husband hasn’t really taken responsibility for the way he has wounded you. It is very hard to rebuild trust when you are worried that he may “relapse” and do it to you again. You can’t control him, you can only try to communicate your issues to him and try to work that out. I hope you will stay in marriage counseling until that is achieved.

I will mention one last idea, though it is impossible to do it justice here. It seems to me that there is a need to work towards forgiving your husband. Before you react by ripping up this page, let me hasten to add that forgiveness doesn’t mean that what he did is okay, or that you are letting him off the hook. Forgiveness, in this case, is the way you let yourself off the hook. Let me explain.

The issue of forgiveness/unforgiveness is based on the concept of the existence of a debt. Your husband did you a terrible wrong and now he OWES you something – at the least a sincere, repentant apology, followed by a significant level of restitution to repair the damage he has caused. In effect, he should REPAY you for the damage he has caused. The expectation is that if he would do this, your loss would be restored or at least offset. This doesn’t always happen, but that is the hope.

But, what if he can’t or won’t repay his debt? Now, you have a hard choice. You can continue to hold the debt against him, in your thoughts and emotions requiring him to fix what he broke and staying perpetually angry and depressed as a result. Or, you can release the debt, in effect taking on the loss yourself, accepting that the situation is what it is and what was lost may never be restored. This is painful, but by taking this step you release the past and give yourself permission to move on with your life. What your husband did does not have the power to ruin the rest of your life unless you allow it to. Forgiveness is often the key to gradually feeling less angry and more hopeful. I wish you all the best in your journey towards healing.