by Pat P.

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Step Four gives me the opportunity to begin looking at myself from the inside out, an experience I have been avoiding all my life. I admitted my powerlessness in Step One and decided to do something about it. Step Two had to do with thinking about what I was going to do about my powerlessness .

Step Three says I’m going to take action and begin taking directions from something/someone other than myself. Without practicing Step One, remembering my powerlessness, staying humble and practicing Step Three of acting in faith and trusting I’m going to be all right, I will never be able to look at myself long enough to learn anything about why I think and act the way I do.

In order for me to accomplish this self examination I must first examine my ability to be honest with myself. I must start removing the filters that have been keeping me dishonest for all these years. I must learn to see life from another point of view. I have been so selfish and self centered all my life, trying to see someone else’s point of view is something I’m going to have to practice many times in order to accomplish this step. The obstacle that will meet me first will be the problem of doing what someone else is suggesting, trusting I’m going to survive.

While doing this step I must remember that being confused and overwhelmed is not a reason to drink/use. I must begin to understand that I’m also an emotional person and those emotions have been driving my actions for years. It’s no accident that alcohol and drugs are called mood altering substances. I must realize I will forget my goals and that I need to be reminded on a regular basis of who I am and where I want to go. This is why I need to go to meetings. If I can become honest enough with myself owning the thoughts and feelings that have been supporting my addiction for all these years, I might have a chance of living a happy, joyous and free life.

In order to learn about myself I will have to question all my thoughts understanding that I have been unconsciously lying to myself for years. I must learn how to look at myself by taking a close look at my history to see if I have been responsible. How have I handled money? Do I procrastinate? How do I define love? What kind of history do I have dealing with fear? I must explore those experiences in my life that I keep reliving called resentments. Do I have a violent past? What kind of relationship do I have with authority figures? Am I comfortable being by myself or do I get lonely easily? Do I need to control the people, places and things I come in contact with? Do I have a problem with pride?

I must then look at my relationship with my employer, family and friends. What feelings come up for me around hearing the word sex? What do I know about sex and what have been my experiences with sex? What feelings come up for me when I hear someone talking about God or their religion? Am I open or closed minded concerning religion? Is there a difference between religion and spirituality?

As I begin looking at all these subjects I can then begin to learn who I really am and what drives me. I must understand that most of these doors I’m about to open in this step will lead me to much shame, guilt and confusion. Only trusting/faith in something other than myself can I hope to find my way out of this hole I’ve dug for myself. This experience of practicing faith will be the foundation for the rest of the steps. An honest Step Four will be the most painful experience I’ve ever had. I must remember that only going through this immense pain on one side can produce this immense peace on the other side.

Only then can I begin to take my power back from my addiction learning my power doesn’t come from taking but from giving.