“Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Giving Step Five

I believe I have to be in a particular state of mind to give a really honest Step five. I must be humbled by looking back on my past and see the way I thought and acted towards myself and others. Although I call it humbled it probably is closer to shame and guilt. I will never experience true humility until I forgive myself. That comes further down the road.

I also must be driven to release all this insanity that I’ve been protecting all these years. In order for that to occur I must have formed a relationship with another person that I believe is not going to judge me. I know I stayed around the program because I didn’t feel judged. My honesty is dependent on my feeling of acceptance. As soon as I feel judged I’ll start minimizing the problems I have to avoid the pain of being judged .

I also must be given enough time to give a thorough step. I wanted to think it wasn’t going to take long but my sponsor thought different. He understood my life depended on my ability to see myself as I really am and not continue living in this sea of denial I’ve been living in for years. It takes time to be specific about my behavior and my natural impatience and denial supported me not being specific. The fact is I don’t know how to be honest. It is something that has to be taught to me by my sponsor by questioning my statements. Through these questions I learn how to challenge my whole way of thinking and learn how to question my thoughts and behaviors. My depth of healing is directly proportionate to the depth of my honesty.

The Listener

When listening to a fifth step I must have created a relationship of trust and openness with my sponsee. I must have earned his respect by sharing my experience going through the process of recovery. The person who listened to my first fourth step had convinced me that I had never done anything that would be news to him. I never felt alone and different.

The greatest honor I can give someone is listening to his fourth step.

Before we start I give my sponsee a blank yellow pad. The purpose is as he is giving his step and I hear about the people he has harmed and the resentments he has created I have him put these on that note pad for further reference in the steps to come.

The main gauge I use while listening is whether I believe him. I go into the process thinking he is going to have to sell me that what he’s telling me is exactly what happened. I always have to question what he is saying because he is usually telling me his side of the story. In order for him to get something out of this process he’s going to have to see a point of view other than his. I try to get him emotionally connected to the people he has been in contact with. I want him to feel the results of his behavior from their perspective. Although I’m not trying to make him feel guilty, it will be a natural result of the process. He has to understand from a personal point of view how he has affected other people’s lives. There has to be some long lasting motivation for him to continue on this difficult path he has chosen.

As I see him begin to connect to those people I must be there for him to give him that support he needs to continue. I must also remember that the very pain this step is creating is the very pain he has been drinking/drugging over all his life. This is a critical time in his recovery because it gives him the opportunity to use the tools he has learned in the first three steps in order for him to survive this step without relapsing.

I have seen many people who relapse on the fourth and fifth steps which can lead to their trying to stay clean by doing the first three steps but never attaining any peace and serenity because they have never gone through the pain of the fourth and fifth steps. Without a thorough fourth and fifth step it is easy for one to become a dry drunk, still miserable but not drinking/drugging.

I believe the fourth and fifth steps were the true beginning of my recovery because I began to take intellectual and emotional responsibility for my actions. Through taking this responsibility I began the journey of learning why I think and act the way I do.