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Violence
October was National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I think that it is important we have an understanding of spirituality that truly addresses violence in our society. Because of the focus of this newspaper we are particularly concerned about the nature of violence as it relates to substance abuse.
Usually when I hear the term “domestic violence” I think about battered women. I realize that men (husbands) are also battered but, truth be told, I tend to think about battered women. Over the years I’ve visited homes for battered women and I would say that 99% of the women were in relationships with alcoholic or drug-addicted men.
Again, it has been my experience that many of the women have had multiple abusive partners; indeed it would not be too strong to suggest that alongside their personal addiction to substances they also had an “addiction” or strong attraction to abusive/violent men. Co-dependency doesn’t seem a strong enough term to describe the nature of this toxic relationship!
As I was writing this article I asked myself the question: Did I suffer from domestic violence? And the answer was yes. But in order to get to this answer I had to think out of the box. And I suggest that you, the reader, would be willing to think outside of the box.
Let me explain my situation. My father and mother were not alcoholics. Sure, like most English people they enjoyed a drink but they were not alcoholic. However, my father had a rage issue. And my mother was a “non-forgetting irritant”. In another words, she would never let a past argument die a natural death. She kept bringing up the past. “Do you remember what you did...” and it was years ago!
This always triggered my father’s rage. And my sister and I always knew when the “you know what would hit the fan”. We helplessly feared the volcano erupting.
Here is the interesting issue; my father did not hit my mother. He did not hit my sister or me. Rather he hit himself! He would smash his face and then bang his head against the wall in his rage.
Because he did not physically abuse me I did not think I was a victim of domestic violence…but I was. And the domestic violence was emotional. My fear was as real as any battered wife. Indeed, it created a “stuttering Leo” for many years. Not surprisingly my older sister married and left the house as soon as she could. And I was left, at the age of ten, in this emotional violence. It is only recently that I have begun to talk about this aspect of domestic violence.
How did I miss it? Because like most people I tend to think that violence was physical…and I missed the emotional part.
I also think that “religious abuse” has a role in domestic violence that is rarely talked about or alluded to. Indeed, I feel that religious abuse and religious addiction is rampant in our society and in many parts of the world but, as a people, we find it difficult to discuss or explain. It is a little like sexual addiction was ten years ago. However with the rise of Fundamental Islam and fanatical terrorists we are beginning to see how God, for some, can be the “opium of the people”. The high on the faces of those screaming a “holy jihad” is surprisingly like the “high” seen on the faces of other addicts…only religion is the paraphernalia!
When people are living and acting “in the name and authority of God” all hell can break loose. And it has.
And yet in a smaller scale, religious abuse can also be discovered in the home.
There are men who believe that they have divine authority over there wives and daughters and they administer punishment based on dubious or ancient laws that most of us would consider abusive. The Taliban obviously comes to mind but at the time of writing this article a minister is on trial for allowing his religious flock and himself to marry fourteen year old girls. And the minister publicly punishes those who disobey him.
We know that rarely does the person who perpetrates the domestic violence own what they are doing. And occasionally this denial is rooted in strange religious mumbo-jumbo that does not bear close examination.
“Spare the rod, spoil the child” was espoused in many a Sunday-school and a human life was damaged or destroyed.
In my recent newsletter I quoted an incident that took place at a Diversification Training Seminar between a Prison Minister and a Muslim Iman.
“Most Imans have declared a holy jihad (Holy war) against infidels. Can you give me the definition of an infidel?”
Without hesitation the Iman replied, “Non-believers”.
“So let me get this straight. As followers of Allah, they have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith. Is that correct?”
He sheepishly replied, “Yes”.
“Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and he wants you to be with me?”
No reply.
If a person feels that religiously they have the right to kill the infidel can you imagine what domestic violence would be perpetrated on the homosexual, adulterer or “questioner” who dared think or live outside of the box!
As I’ve said many times, spirituality requires knowledge. And that willingness to change with this knowledge comes understanding, forgiveness and peace. I pray this sentiment for the addict, the victim of domestic violence…and our world at war.