Recovery Story - Red Words Screaming

I am a former cutter of 30 years and can tell you why I did it, but everyone is different; bear that in mind. I came from a very punitive background, so I learned early that I cannot just say whatever I wanted to say for fear that I would be beaten. I was frustrated and did not have a voice, and desperately needed to rid myself of the frustration and despair that was present everyday. At the age of 6 years old, I began a 30-year stretch of self-injurious behavior. I started by hitting myself in the head with a hairbrush, and within the year I was cutting myself with scissors. Within 3 years I was buying razor blades and cutting myself on average about 3 times per week. The response by my foster family was that of laughter and making fun of me, which served to tell me this form of coping was okay, or at least not that serious.

In the beginning, I cut to be noticed and tended to, getting me maybe a band-aid or medicine. When that didn’t happen, I began to cut out of anger and feeling like I did not matter. I was, at least, not going to be ignored, but I was laughed at and then ignored. This behavior/mode of coping continued for the next 30 years and became a very nasty habit. I will share with you the 3 ways that this behavior served me. 1. Control -- I was going to be punished, but I would say when it started and I would say when it stopped. 2. Communication- I didn’t feel the freedom, nor did I feel safe, to say the words “I hurt; you hurt me, my feelings; I am sad; I feel hopeless and unwanted.”

3. Relief – I needed to be punished for wrong deeds, for I could not rest until that happened, because of the punishment inflicted on me by the foster parents at every turn for any and everything. .There is an old adage, “As a Man Thinketh, So is He.” Another one is one we learned in kindergarten, “what goes in, must come out.” When it is over and the individual is still alive and has capacity to love, grow and, thrive, then the survival techniques were ideal for that individual. Let’s look at the control issue that is involved in this type behavior. The mutilator feels that life is out of control in all areas, but self-mutilation is within my control and so I used it. There is also relief from the emotional discomfort.

So many of us end up in the prison system, state hospitals, or homeless and pan handling on the streets. We, as a society, really need to look at these individuals and realize a couple of things about them. 1. They are not having a good time. 2. If they could do better, they would.

The next time you encounter someone who you are put off by because they have a lot of tattoos, piercing, or cuts and burns on their bodies, try to remember that they are talking to you and need your attention. As a friend of mine always said, “Just Be Nice.” Such a simple philosophy and something we all learned in kindergarten.. I believe my recovery came from my involvement in Alcoholics Anonymous where I heard things like “There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” I also learned that “ we had to get down to causes and condition” in other words the root cause of the destructive behaviors being exhibited and not having the excuse, “ I was drunk.”

I was able to combine the lessons learned in A.A. and couple it with therapy and finally recover completely. I am 22 years sober and am 8 years removed from any self-injurious behavior and that is by the Grace of God and my being willing to participate in my own recovery.
If you know of someone exhibiting self-injurious behavior, refer them to a psychotherapist or MHMRA for the added help they need that AA cannot give them. I respect that Bill Wilson advocated seeking outside help for problems other than alcoholism, that “we realize we know only a little.”