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Parenting the Addict - An Effective New Philosophy
Lenny Harner
Lecturer, consultant and workshop leader
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy to avoid manipulation
An addict is extremely manipulative. The sole purpose of the manipulation is to continually activate the disease of addiction. If the disease is arrested then it will manipulate to become reactivated. The disease of addiction uses special resources like the family. In the field of chemical dependency counseling and around Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous there is a saying, “The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.”
Let’s examine the word “cunning” – a person who is “dexterous or crafty in the use of special resources.” The addict uses the family to secure its existence. The family is very vulnerable because it is so involved with and wants to help the addict. Family members tell themselves, “If I just love him and care for him, then maybe he will stop destroying himself.”
Although that sounds really good, the addict uses that love, caring and help to its advantage in manipulating the family. And because the family is so invested, it cannot see the forest for the trees.
One way an addict manipulates is by evoking emotions on the family. The emotions are created through thought processing. If an addict can get you to think a certain way then he can ultimately control your feelings; and if he can control your feelings then he can manipulate your behavior.
A few emotions addicts use to manipulate their families and ultimately their environment include but are not limited to shame, guilt, rage, depression, low frustration tolerance, anxiety, fear and hurt. These emotions are referred to as unhealthy negative emotions.
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, or REBT, is a way for parents to learn to deal with their unhealthy negative emotions while making it harder for the addict to manipulate. REBT is a wonderful cognitive/behavioral therapy that focuses on changing irrational beliefs, and in the process helps one deal with his emotions. REBT postulates that we ultimately disturb ourselves because we have irrational thoughts that cause unhealthy, negative emotions. Unhealthy negative emotions ultimately lead to self-defeating behaviors. Self defeating behaviors lead to negative consequences which lead back to unhealthy negative emotions. This is referred to as the cycle of self-defeat.
If an addict can predictably get individuals to engage in unhealthy, negative emotions and as a result get them to act a certain way then he can ultimately control his environment. For an experienced addict who is well-trained at creating chaos, it is like taking candy from a baby or put another way, easy manipulation. But if you learn the technique of REBT then you can take back the candy, or stop the manipulation.
Breaking Free using REBT
In REBT there is an activating event or a situation of some kind. The situation can be past, present or future. It can be real or imagined or it can be internal or external. To establish the activating event, ask, “What would a camera see?” or, “If I were a fly on the wall, what would I hear and see?” It might be helpful to think of the activating event or situation as cognitive construction. There are not a lot of emotions existing within the activating event or situation. One of the biggest mistakes in finding the activating event is not considering what the person may assume, suspect or infer. Sometimes it is not just what the camera or the fly sees. What I am referring to is hidden thoughts that haven’t been flushed out yet.
Irrational Beliefs
Next comes irrational beliefs – thoughts or attitudes about the activating event or situation. Irrational beliefs refer only to those thoughts and attitudes that give the activating event its emotional/psychological charge. It does not include those thoughts and beliefs that define the activating event or situation. The best way to flush out irrational beliefs is by asking, “What am I telling myself about the event or situation?”
Irrational beliefs come in different shapes and sizes but they all have four things in common. They stem from dogmatic demands, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing or self/other rating (devaluation). Dogmatic demands are unrealistic demands placed on self or others and often include the words should, must or ought.
To be considered a should, it does not have to actually contain the word, should. Low frustration tolerance is the inability to tolerate events, situations or emotions. Seeing an event as awful is the same as seeing an event as a catastrophe, or “making a mountain out of a mole hill”. Devaluation of self or others is basically rating oneself or rating others in a negative way.
Emotional and Behavioral Outcomes
REBT distinguishes between unhealthy, negative emotions and healthy, negative emotions. Unhealthy, negative emotions include anxiety, depression, shame/embarrassment, rage and jealousy. Healthy, negative emotions include disappointment, concern, annoyance, sadness, regret and frustration.
Disputation
The most important part of REBT is disputation – to challenge; and what you are going to challenge is the belief about the activating event or situation. An activating event or situation is undisputable and, in my opinion, so are emotional and behavioral outcomes.
There are three types or ways to dispute or challenge irrational belief.
- Practical: When disputing a belief practically you must focus on the functionality or usefulness of the irrational belief. Helping yourself or someone else to determine that holding on to irrational beliefs will only continue to end in negative emotional and behavioral consequences is extremely helpful. Two questions to ask are, “Is this belief helpful or is it hurtful?” “How will holding this belief help you achieve the goal?”
- Logical: The goal of a logical dispute is to help yourself or someone else examine and question the logic of the belief. The logic here is that it needs to flow logically; it needs to make sense. A question might be, “How does it make sense that just because I made a “D” on this test that I will not be graduating high school?” “How is it logical to think that just because you got divorced that you will never find another person to marry?”
- Empirical/Scientific: The goal is to prove to yourself or others that the irrational belief is not consistent with reality. Questions usually contain the word evidence or proof. “Where is the evidence to support that I am a failure because I made an “F”?” “Where’s the proof that you must actually have this person in your life in order to be happy?”
New Effective Philosophy
The new effective philosophy comes into play when you have learned to dispute irrational beliefs. The new philosophy is extremely important because, over time, it becomes the new rational belief, which leads to behavior changes.
Perhaps an example will help strengthen your understanding of REBT.
Example
An adolescent male was involved in a relationship with an adolescent female since they were 13. They both were 17 when one day, out of the blue, the girl decided that she wanted to start dating other people. She thought that they both needed to experiment with other relationships in order to grow into healthy, mature adults.
The boy did not deal with the decision in a constructive manner. He told himself that he was a loser, that he would never find another girlfriend and that his life was over. He was so distraught that he locked himself in his room for days. He had been in a drug treatment center six months earlier. Prior to this incident he was attending his meetings regularly, calling his sponsor and had remained clean and sober.
He became so depressed that he needed emotional relief so he returned to his coping skill that had worked well in the past – abusing drugs. He called his old dealer and scored some heroin. His parents came home and found him unconscious, barely breathing, with the needle sticking out of his arm. He was rushed to the emergency room.
The activating event is the girlfriend breaking up with him. His irrational beliefs are: I am a looser, will never find another girlfriend and my life is over. The disturbance is caused by globalization and self/other rating. The emotion is depression and the behavioral outcome is an overdose on heroin. When REBT is employed a different outcome is possible. Two disputations are illustrated. Logical: How does her wanting to date other people make me a looser? And scientific: Where is the evidence that I will never find another girl and my life is over? The new emotion and behavioral outcome as a result of a new belief is: sadness, disappointment or perhaps happiness. The new effective philosophy is: When I experience setbacks I will no longer devalue myself or make mountains out of mole hills.
Now that you are a master of REBT you can defend yourself against the addict’s manipulation and break free from the cycle of self-defeat.
The Book can be purchased at www.unlockingthemindofanaddict.com