Recovery Stories
Andrea's Story

I’m an addict and my name is Andrea. I say it like that because my NA family taught me when I was new that if I forgot what I am, it wouldn’t matter who I am. I’d be just another statistic waiting to hit the morgue. My story is pretty normal for most of us around here. My dad left when I was 3 and hardly ever looked back. I felt abandoned and unwanted by him my whole childhood. I was molested on a few occasions when I was young by family members. I grew up knowing that drugs were bad and had vowed never to use them. But the anger and pain I felt inside wouldn’t go away and I started using at 16 to cover up feelings of less than and not good enough.

At the age of 19 I got pregnant with my daughter. I tried to stay clean for her. Without help needless to say, I ended up using again. And that run made me the mother that couldn’t put the drugs down long enough to spend some time with my daughter. It made me the victim of domestic violence and the perpetrator of a litany of federal crimes. I began stealing people’s mail, money, credit cards and identity to support my habit. After 7 hardcore months of ripping and running, my daughter ended up in the system and I landed myself in jail facing a series of federal charges. I knew I needed help but the drugs had taken away my ability to choose. I thought that I was going to be a dope fiend for the rest of my life. Then God introduced me to Narcotics Anonymous.

When I first got here I focused on the differences and not the similarities. I wanted so badly to not fit in and not be one of “you people”. Eventually, however, I had gone to enough meetings that my thinking began to change. I got a sponsor while I was in a recovery home and started to work some steps and my thinking changed. I had a rough road at first. I went to jail with 45 days clean, got kicked out of two recovery homes and refused to take responsibility for my actions. But no matter what pain I caused myself, NA was there for me. And eventually my opinions of this program and the people in it changed. Once I worked a few steps, started getting honest with myself and others, suddenly I wasn’t a victim anymore. And the world was no longer the problem. I was the problem. And drugs had been my solution until I came here.

My clean date is February 3rd 2007. Since then I haven’t found it necessary to get loaded. When I got here I created lots of drama for myself by flirting with anything that would give me the time of day, dressing inappropriately and running around with guys…avoiding women like the plague. Sure I had a female sponsor, but she was about the only woman I talked to in the program. And I heard things like men stick with the men and women stick with the women. But I was different. I was unique. That didn’t pertain to me. Or so I thought. But when the fog started to lift, the more time I got under my belt, the more steps I worked, the less comfortable I became with those behaviors I came in with. And stuff started changing “without my permission”, as I like to say. I started connecting with women and found that they would support me even if I was fully clothed! When they say the men will pat your behind and the women will save it…they are absolutely right. Today I have amazing relationships with amazing women that I don’t know what I would do without.

There have also been some things that I have walked through that I had no part in creating. June of this year my daughter’s father was in a horrible accident, as a result of this disease, that put him in a coma for 3 weeks. We weren’t sure if he would ever wake up. And although it would have been easy to just kill that pain and fear with some dope, instead I reached out to my support group and went to meetings and talked about what was going on. People surrounded me and let me know that it was all going to be OK. They asked me things like, “Where is your faith?” and “How big is your God?” So I held out faith and hope and prayed everyday. And today, that man is a walking and talking miracle. That’s a prime example of how my God- the one I found right here in NA- works in my life.

I should also mention that when I got here I had a pending federal case and was jumping through hoops for CPS. I came in on a court card as a lot of us do. My daughter has lived with me 24/7 since June ’08 and my CPS case was officially closed on October 18th with me having sole physical and legal custody. And on October 19th I became a convicted felon. I am due to serve 18 months in the federal penitentiary in February of next year. I would be lying if I said that I have been in a place of total acceptance about this issue. I knew from day one that I was going to have to do some time. And it has gotten overwhelming to the point of me wanting to get loaded a couple times. Thankfully I have spiritual principles to live by today, an amazing God, and friends that are there for me when I need them. I get to remain clean no matter how scary the idea of prison is.

When I got to the rooms I was a scared, immature little girl. I didn’t want to listen to the suggestions that people gave. It was hard for me especially the one about staying out of a relationship for the first year. I got into quite a few relationships and all of them failed causing me a great deal of pain. It wasn’t until I became willing to take a look at what was going on with me and why I did what I did that I realized that I was fixing with relationships. I was trying to use them to fill that God shaped hole inside my gut that only GOD can fill. I had to be beaten before I became willing, just like it says in the literature. The people around the rooms helped me get out of my own way and see that fixing is fixing whether it’s drugs, sex, food, or shopping. It’s all a manifestation on the disease of addiction. By trusting the process I have gotten to do a little growing up. I am a firm believer that the program is in the literature, the fellowship is in the rooms, and recovery begins with the steps.

There are some things that I do consistently, however, that have allowed me to stay clean for almost 2 years. I go to meetings regularly, I have a sponsor that I respect and love, I’m of service, I stay in contact with God, and I work with others. I’m working my steps for the second time and getting to take a good honest look at my behaviors and patterns. And most importantly, I just don’t put in. Not putting in is the only thing that I have done perfectly since I got here. This is an amazing program that will work for anyone. The catch is you just have to want it. And for this addict, I want recovery like I wanted my dope. I get to live life on life’s terms today, one day at a time. If it wasn’t for NA, who knows where I would be today. My life is amazing. Thank God for Narcotics Anonymous.