Hugs, Humor & the Holidays
Surviving the Season

Jenni Schaefer
Author of "Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too"

Hugging and saying goodbye go hand in hand (or arm in arm). We even hug people we don’t like, because it is the standard, routine thing to do. As Nike says, we, “Just do it.”

So why did I forget to hug someone who I really care about in the airport the other day? I actually sent Lori off to hover in the airways at 30,000 feet in a big hunk of metal --- without hugging her. This courageous woman, who is in recovery for anorexia, had just walked outside the door of an eating disorder treatment center and was probably very scared to be entering the real world, especially during the holiday season --- the time of the year when all of the so-called normal people practice eating disordered behaviors. She could have used a hug. But I was so overwhelmed with emotions and actually being real in the moment of saying goodbye that the typical “hugging” routine slipped my mind.

The next day I apologized to Lori for my forgetfulness, and she jokingly said, “I just thought I was too fat to hug.”

Knowing the significance of her being able to make a ‘fat’ joke from my personal experience in eating disorder recovery, I smiled and knew she was off to a good start.

I learned from psychotherapist and author, Thom Rutledge, that humor is a powerful tool throughout recovery. For people with eating disorders, humor is especially valuable during the holidays --- an anxiety-ridden season literally based around food. We kick off the holidays with Thanksgiving, a day completely devoted to obsessing about food and overeating. Then we keep eating turkey, pumpkin pie, sugar cookies, and more until New Year’s Day at which point everyone begins a resolution to lose weight. It is no wonder that people with eating disorders just want to crawl in a hole and hide while the carolers are outside singing songs of joy and passing out candy canes. What those of us in recovery from eating disorders really need to do is laugh at it all and try to keep a fresh perspective.

The holidays were not created to destroy us. Millions of turkeys do not give their lives this time of year purely as a means to torture people with eating disorders. Just as I have found that the true essence of saying good-bye to someone is not in a quick “hug,” the actual meaning of the holidays is not about food. I discovered what the holidays really mean to me by talking open-mindedly and laughing with other people in recovery.

Years ago, when I took the time to tell my support group of other women with eating disorders about how ‘lucky’ I was to have received five holiday invitations in the mail to various parties within one week, they each smiled and absolutely understood what I meant. We one by one took a moment to jokingly explain how we had each become professionals at making excuses for getting out of going to parties and events where food was being served. After talking it over, we all really knew that it is the people --- not the food --- that really mattered.

And so I began to realize that I no longer had to shiver in fear after receiving a holiday box of chocolates as if it were an offensive threat, irresistible temptation, or even a death sentence. Incorporating humor and fresh perspective, I learned to shrug my shoulders and --- with support --- take the box of chocolates to share with my office co-workers the next morning. Resting nicely upon the table in the office break room, the box of chocolates never came across as a death sentence to anyone. Perspective. I hear this goes for fruitcakes as well.

In the past, I considered the entire holiday season to be a death sentence --- a reason to be miserable and completely on edge. Lori has reminded me once again that we do not have to feel this way during the yuletide.

Because she is not too fat to hug.