Self Forgiveness

One of the most difficult struggles for me in this processing of becoming whole has been in allowing self-forgiveness.  I must have been in a recovery program for at least five years before embracing the idea.  I was many things regarding self.  I was self-loathing, self-injurious and self-defeating, but never self-forgiving.   I had the ingredients for success through attending and working a 12-step program, being honest in therapy, and developing a support network.  Still there was a nagging inside that would not be released.  I believed things could be different but did not think things would ever feel different.      

I attended a program for self-introspection that proved to be deeper than any work I had previously completed.  It was during that time on my journey that the idea of self-forgiveness began to creep in.  For most of my life I had felt responsible for the outcome of many things.  Generally, I believed I was responsible for how others felt and behaved.  That feeling was entwined with my feelings and behaviors.  I believed I had power to change another.  Yet time and time again I failed at the task. 

My first boyfriend was abusive.  I could forgive that.  He was addicted to cocaine.  He had a good excuse.  Two of my best friends fled from my life shortly after I got sober.  I could forgive them.  I would have left, too.  My dad died unexpectedly when I was only 25.  Forgiveness wasn’t even difficult.  It wasn’t his fault.  The boyfriends, friends, family members and even God were all forgiven. 

The day the trainer of my group looked into my eyes and said, “how about you?” My life changed.  Certainly I had considered forgiving myself before?  In that moment the idea of my being as worthy of forgiveness as everyone else entered in.  My life changed in an instant.  Self-forgiveness was no longer foreign.  The luggage was a little lighter and that moment I had been waiting for arrived.  I was free.