by Scott Wisenbaker

Scott Wisenbaker

The adolescent anthem, Sex, Drugs, & Rock n' Roll. We played hard always with our favorite music ringing through the air at levels that sometimes got us in trouble. Whether the old Jam Box or car stereo we never left without tunes.

Listening to my favorite songs and closing my eyes I can still see the lake and feel the warm sun on my face as we played for hours. I still smile as the memories and images flood into my head so powerful I can sometimes still see my friends in a good round of Hac. For the most part life was innocent, we all just seemed a bit misguided as we drank our beer and smoked our pot.

As fun as it all was we soon found ourselves attending funerals for some of our friends. What I remember as much as the pain was the music that played as we buried our friends many years too soon.

Through the years most of my friends I shared the lake with have grown up and become successful in their various careers however, many of us never really left the lake. Chasing the sensations we experienced as young men at the lake have taken us to more powerful drugs and endless amounts of alcohol. Sometimes if we got drunk or high enough we felt like we were back in time without responsibility or consequence and we fooled ourselves just a little bit longer. Sometimes we fell completely apart as the number of our friends who were now locked up or dead seemed to grow with increasing speed. For every situation there was music.

Laying on the floor of my apartment one winter night without electricity and eviction notice on the door my heart raced from way too much cocaine. As the batteries in my radio slowly faded, the song Constant Craving quietly played while I lay wondering if I was going to die from a sudden heart attack. I can remember the desperation of the moment when all seemed to be lost and I wasn't really sure if I wanted to live or not. Now every time I hear that song I remember where I was that night and that I am standing strong.

I remember what I listened to all night long after my wife took her life. I can remember the confused look on our dogs face days later and how I just wanted to die inside. Agonizing and heartbreaking sorrow led to an old prayer I used so many times before while in the dark, God if you are real please kill me tonight because I just can't bear it down here anymore. I cried for weeks and yet I can recall every single song that I heard.

Isn't that how it all works? Certain songs have the ability to take us right back to a time and a place important to us. Something as significant as what was playing on the radio during first sexual encounters or something as trivial a certain conversation with your best friends while doing nothing and headed in no particular direction. So vivid that we can recall every sense and remember every word said like it was yesterday. One day something happens and then a song seems to be forever attached to a place and time in our life.

All of us have strong opinions about music; we hate this person's music and love someone else's song. Big sporting events all play clips of old songs that stir up certain emotions and even marketing professionals add specific songs tied to good times to their products. Who ever thought The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, or Aerosmith would be used to sell cars and shoes? The fact is that they understand just how important music is to all of us and how it can evoke emotions and more importantly what influence that will have on us towards a particular product or service.

Some of us were involved in music to the point that we made a living performing and writing our own music with hopes to have a lasting effect on others. This was where I found myself for a number of years until the overdose death of our singer leading to subsequent and frequent trips to jail for me shortly afterwards. Performing and writing I thought was why I was placed on this earth. Playing music made me feel alive even while I was slowly killing myself. The only time I felt whole was while I was playing.

It is no wonder that so many programs are now starting to incorporate music into their recovery models. In 2006 I opened a sober living/recovery organization for men and women, in the past 5 years we have seen dozens of musicians come through our doors and even hundreds who have always wanted to learn. One of my staff who had previously come through our program had one day bought a drum set even though he had never played any instrument. The desire was there and now that he has recovered he has been learning to play those drum he bought so many years ago and just stored.

My experiences with music in sobriety have proven to engage individuals who were previously withdrawn and getting the creative portion of their brain flowing. We can express ourselves, work things out, and eliminate our stress while playing an instrument or writing a song. We encourage such activities at our facility and hold special jam nights from time to time to showcase the musical talents of some of our residents. This type of release or bonding can make all the difference while we are early in recovery. It will not keep us clean without a program but it can promote the healthy relationships with others who can sharpen us and keep us accountable when life is unfair or tragic.

Going back to my wife, I was sober for 4 years at the time and if it was not for the men in my life I would have never made it through the darkness. I was able to walk through my pain shoulder to shoulder with those who care about me. I still remember the songs that played when we met, when she laughed, and when she died. I have written much about her and have healed enough to continue life with my wonderful new wife Leslie. I know what songs make Leslie smile and together we dedicated our women's recovery house to Kathy. (Yes, there is a song for that too.)