The children of people with alcohol or drug problems usually suffer greatly. Addicted family members are more likely to be violent or emotionally abusive, and even when abuse is not a factor, households affected by addiction can be highly disordered, unstable and unloving. As a result, children of addicts often grow up socially isolated and tend to develop emotional difficulties and behavioral problems. As they grow up, these issues can lead to antisocial behavior, mood disorders, and drug and alcohol abuse.

Sadly, because children of addicts often don’t know whom to turn to with their problems – and many don’t even realize until later on that their lives aren’t normal – they’re the most frequently underserved group when it comes to providing services for family members of addicts. Even when addicted parents seek treatment, it’s too often assumed that the children have been unaffected by the addiction.

But nothing could be further from the truth, as children of addicts commonly grow up with a range of problems that can have lasting negative impacts on their lives.

The Long-Term Effects of a Parent's Addiction

Even when they grow up to be relatively healthy adults, people who were raised in households with addicted parents tend to exhibit certain qualities. If you're a teenaged or adult child of an addict, you may recognize these qualities in yourself:

• Children of alcoholics and addicts often feel responsible for their parents' troubles. Even when they know on an intellectual level that they weren't the root cause of a parent's problems, it can be difficult to shake the feelings of guilt and shame, and this can carry over into all aspects of life.
• Due to a lack of positive adult role models, children of addicts often struggle to figure out what it means to be a "normal" adult, and they may struggle to identify moral principles to guide their lives.
• Children of alcoholics and addicts may feel an all-encompassing sense of bitterness and anger toward the world, which makes them cynical and prone to negativity.
• Children of addicts may have missed out on many of the fun experiences of a normal childhood. As a result, they often have difficulty loosening up and enjoying themselves as adults.
• Children of alcoholics and addicts are often withdrawn and quiet as a result of years of staying out of their parents' way and keeping to themselves.
• Children of addicts develop defense mechanisms for dealing with their parents' emotional inconsistency, so they often grow into emotionally reserved adults who are uncomfortable sharing their feelings.
• They are often insecure and tend to seek approval from others.
• Because households affected by addiction often use lying as a way to avoid conflict and protect family members, grown-up children of addicts are comfortable lying even in situations where it's unnecessary.

Understanding Your Parent's Addiction

Children of addicts often develop feelings of anger and resentment toward their parents. Reflecting on a troubled childhood, you may view your parents' behaviors as unforgivably selfish and irresponsible. While these feelings are understandable, and you may have good cause to be angry, we must remember that addiction is a disease, and that addicts can't choose their predisposition any more than they can choose the color of their eyes.

In addiction recovery, the first of the Twelve Steps has alcoholics and addicts admit that they are powerless over drugs and that their lives have become unmanageable as a result. While this may seem like a simple enough admission, many addicts take years or even decades to reach a point where they can accept this reality.

Some people must hit rock bottom before they can come to terms with the fact that they need help. And when an addict has never hit rock bottom, he may convince himself that he is capable of raising children without having to give up his addiction. Unfortunately, the turning point often comes long after kids have already been in the picture.

Forgiving Your Parents, Not Blaming Yourself

In the end, it's up to each individual to decide whether to forgive a parent for their addiction and all the things that go along with addiction. And just as it may take an addict years to reach a turning point and seek drug treatment, it can take children of addicts a long time to forgive their parents and let go of that bitterness. Even if your parent has sought addiction treatment and is on the path to a better life, it may be some time before you can let those negative feelings go and learn to trust her for perhaps the first time in your life.

Your parent's recovery program will encourage her to take personal inventory of her past wrongs and to mend them wherever possible. Whether or not your parent comes to you to apologize, now is the time for you to accept that you were just as much a victim of her disease as she was. Kids of addicts too often blame themselves for the troubles in the household, and it can be hard to shake these feelings, but it is something we must do.

The National Association for Children of Alcoholics has created seven Cs for children of addicts:

• You didn't Cause it.
• You can't Cure it.
• You can't Control it.
• You can Care for yourselfby Communicating your feelings,making healthy Choices, andby Celebrating yourself.

Internalizing these simple statements lays the groundwork for your own recovery from your parent's addiction. As difficult as it may be, it's important to free yourself from all blame and to allow yourself to lead a positive life.

Help for Addicts and Their Children

If your addicted parent has not yet sought drug or alcohol treatment, you're not powerless. Addicts can be stubborn, and when you combine this with many parents' reluctance to take advice from their children, getting your parent to seek treatment without the aid of others can be challenging.

That's why it sometimes helps to get together with other family members to create a strategy for getting your parent into treatment. If you're able to recruit several close family members and friends for your cause, you might want to look into staging an addiction intervention.

Meanwhile, don't neglect yourself. If you're having trouble getting over the emotional effects of your parent's addiction, you might want to consider joining an Al-Anon or Alateen group. These meetings will allow you to hear from and share your experiences with others in your situation, and will help equip you with the emotional tools you need to move on and live a happy and healthy life.