by Rev. Leo Booth

Rev. Leo Booth
Unity minister, published author and conference speaker

There was a time, not so many years ago, when it seemed that everyone, who was in recovery, talked about the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Dr. Claudia Black and Dr Robert Ackerman were champions in bringing the devastation of the ‘family disease’ to the public’s attention, with a particular emphasis upon the children. It was a time when John Bradshaw was on Public Television talking about ‘toxic shame’ and treatment centers were creating programs to help the adult child. It seemed that the time had really come to deal with alcohol-ism, emphasis upon the “ism” and the implications of being in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

This was the time, many of you might remember, when I was talking about the shame created by religious abuse and I found myself invited to conferences throughout the country that were called “Adult Children of Alcoholics” and I remember lecturing on the power of spirituality to help the family. That was then, this is now.

Today the Adult Children movement is smaller; and there are fewer conferences that address this devastating aspect of alcoholism. With this in mind, you can imagine how pleased I was to receive an invitation to speak at the 23rd Annual Adult Children of Alcoholics Convention in Long Beach, California last fall?

Those of you who follow the Recovery Movement know that there are “in” topics that take up our attention for months or even years. Here are but a few: shame, codependency, eating disorders, sexual addiction… and yes, Adult Children issues. That is how it is with any movement; I suppose it is impossible to give all the issues equal attention … and all are important.

Let’s take a moment to go down memory lane and remember some of the lessons that we learned in the Adult Children movement.

(a)You are not to blame: Many speakers pointed out that in the dysfunctional family that alcoholism creates, it is easy to think, if you are a child growing up in this family, that it is your fault. Daddy’s drinking or mother’s anger is caused by you. If only you had behaved differently perhaps they wouldn’t drink so much.

Therapists provided an essential message when they clearly told the children that their parent’s alcoholism was not about them. Suddenly boundaries became an essential aspect of healing the alcoholic family. And, more importantly, it was suggested that alcoholism affects everyone in the family and therefore family members need treatment. Indeed, even if the alcoholic parent(s) refused treatment, the family members should get therapy for themselves.

(b)Symptoms of the Adult Child: A pioneer in treatment centers was Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse who began talking about frequent characteristics of the Adult Child. New descriptions arose:

• Hero
• Scapegoat
• Mascot
• Lost child

…And these made sense. Family members were able to identify with these descriptions, bringing their stories to make the words come alive. Family of Origin issues helped us understand the complexity of alcoholism, giving needed information to other addictions that were beginning to emerge.

Simple phrases seemed to help the Adult Child understand what was happening to them in their lives:

• Don’t talk
• Don’t trust
• Don’t feel

… a new language for therapy was emerging.

(c) Intimacy issues explained: With all of the above as a background, the Adult Child was able to understand more clearly how they became involved in needy or controlling relationships. Of course many children became alcoholic but many didn’t, and yet their adulthood seemed plagued by the insanity of their childhood. Some desperately asked their therapists: Am I doomed to a life of unhappiness? Can I experience a spiritual awakening?

This is where I came in. I offered a definition of spirituality that was based on the one I’d offered alcoholics: the need to become a positive and creative human being. I suggested that they… read positive affirmations for each day… and practice a life-style that included creative behaviors.

Some Adult Children blamed God for their misfortunes: Why did God place me in this abusive family? As I had done with my writings concerning religious abuse, I began teaching that we are not puppets on a divine string. God has given to human-kind the precious gift of freedom… and this often brings hardship and consequences.

It was not easy for the Adult Children to love themselves but I knew it was an essential part of the “spiritual awakening”. Let’s start with small steps; acceptance, boundaries, empowerment, personal respect – leading to self-love.

We began to talk about the journey into freedom and the Twelve Step program was adopted to meet the needs of children who grew up in an alcoholic home. Those who felt “lost” were now “found”.

And even if the Adult Child Movement is not talked about to the same degree today as it was twenty years ago, it is still necessary, powerful and healing in its spiritual message and it is just as powerful and effective today.