by Earnie Larsen

“MADE A SEARCHING, FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY.”

Why a moral inventory? Why look inside at all? For nearly everyone in recovery, especially at the start, “inside” is the LAST place we want to go. So why is this step here at all?

Following the structure of each of the articles in this series, the meaning of the fourth step must fit in the wider context of recovery as a whole. Specifically in this step, how does it contribute to what “our problem” is as well as what the “solution” to the alcoholic/addict’s problem? How does doing a “searching, fearless moral inventory” take us into the solution and away from the problem?

Last month in looking at Step three we made the point that: The solution is all about staying connected and staying connected is all about the ability to function in relationships with God, self and others.

Therefore whatever in us blocks relationships is an obstacle to “turning our lives and will over to the Care of God”

Therefore, somewhere along the line – and the sooner the better – whatever those obstacles blocking our spiritual life must be faced and dealt with.

That’s why, with the first three steps in place as the foundation, the process of recovery builds on that foundation by moving on to the 4th Step. And it is no accident where that 4th step tells those on the journey to go. Step 4 does not say go to school and get a degree, or to business school so you can be financially successful, or to a preaching school so you can speak with authority and persuasion about recovery. None of that matters – or will support recovery – if we don’t immediately follow up “turn it over” with what and where Step 4 tells you to go. And that is to take a long, hard look at self. Which is what staying connected to self means.

The Old Normal

There are many good 4th Step guides. It’s hard to beat the one in the Big Book. In the classes I teach though I try to put the 4th Step work in the context where, it seems to me, the most good can be had. Here I introduce the concept of the “Old Normal.”The point is – the dog that is fed is the dog that wins in a dog fight. Most of us find that recovery has many similarities to a down and dirty dog fight. Any one of us that is not willing and ready to get “down and dirty” with our addiction won’t hold on to recovery very long.

That “down and dirty” is all about taking that searching, fearless inventory and looking into the eyes of what has become “normal living” for the alcoholic/addict. Often that “normal” was ground into us long before there was ever an active addiction. And so like a rotten foundation under a building, if we don’t “go as deep as the problem” that rotten foundation will cause the collapse of the building sooner or later every time.

I want our men to not only “get a fish” but “learn to fish.” My goal is to lead them along the path that allows them to understand, maybe months or years into their recovery, “Why do I have to still pay so much attention to my life to stay clean and sober? Why do I still often feel and think like an insane person? Why is recovery such a struggle? When am I going to be “cured?”The answer to those questions is because “Old normal” is a habit – practiced over a lifetime. The experiences that pounded that “normal” into mind, body and spirit were both chronic and acute. They have been with us forever and were taught us, as one of my men said, “at the point of a spear.”

Habits don’t know “good or bad”, healthy or sick – all they know is defend. All they know is gain control and fight any new thinking and acting that would take control from what has always been. Habits face backward. They know nothing of what can be.Both the problem and the solution centers around the issue of intimacy. (Check out the first three articles in this series.) Lack of intimacy is the cause of the famous “hole in the soul.” Getting and keeping connected (forming relationships) is the only possible remedy to lack of intimacy. That intimacy, which can only be found in relationships, is what “fill the space” between God, self and others with honesty, responsibility and learning to love self.

Does the word intimacy sound too weak? Does it sound “soft?” Does it sound like something that might work for others but “not for me. My addiction has taken me down to the depths of hell. I need something stronger than intimacy.”

At one time I wondered about that. Especially with the “low bottom”, felon, habitual criminals I work with. There isn’t much of the dark side of the street our men haven’t done. So what do they think of something as flowery as “intimacy?”

They know exactly what it means. They know what they lost. They know what they want in their lives. Some take a little longer to come to grips with “the problem” and “the solution” than others but, if they don’t get scared off and run, they all get to the same place. The ones who stay with the pursuit of “the solution” all want to live before they die.

Scared is the word. It’s their “old normal” that causes the fear. Many more of our men relapse not because things go so badly. It’s because their lives start to fill up with blessings, which are foreign to them. A fist in the face they understand, no big deal. But Fellowship with men they care about and who care for them – that is like kicking the pit bull of their “Old Normal” right in the chops, and sooner or later it rises up and comes after them.

One of the exercises we use around doing a searching, fearless moral inventory - which has set like cement into the “Old Normal” – is to ask the men to shout out various “places” and sources where intimacy can be found. Typically the list has: wife, girl friend, family, children, “women” in general, some always shout out things like – group, Fellowship, sponsor. A few start off with God. Whatever.

Then I put on the board: the words: hit, hide, run. Then we set about leading the men to reflect on how, in their addiction, or before that, or when recovery started working – when the intimacy of the program and fellowship started sweeping into their lives – how did they react? What did their Old Normal urge them to do when Fellowship/intimacy got too close? (Urge sometimes with a sledge hammer.) If a person has no idea of what their Old Normal is and what it means and how it acts they: hit, hide or run every time. They push intimacy away. Isolation begins, secrets are kept and relapse is right behind.

Then, after a relapse or once again in treatment, they ask, “What happened?” What happened is they lost contact, they failed to stay connected and the power of the Old Normal took them back into “the problem” (spiritual bankruptcy) and were swallowed up by their addiction.

So, in search of their Old Normal, each man is directed to list on their papers one of those sources of intimacy we spoke of earlier. Then they are directed to list their typical “Normal” when that intimacy gets too close. How do they respond to that “getting too close?” When what is asked of them is to be honest, patient, kind, loving, committed, responsible or receptive – what do they do?

Under this scrutiny the consequence of allowing their “Old normal” run their lives becomes clear. The need to create a “New Normal” becomes obvious as well. Since all of any Normal, good or destructive, is habit, the key element in understanding the point of doing a fourth step in the first place is practice. We are what we practice. Whether we are talking about character defects or forming character assets – it’s all about practice. In a fight the dog that’s fed is the dog that wins.

How does one practice overcoming the Old Normal and forming a New Normal? It’s called “working the steps.” In this case the fourth step –which is shinning a light on the character defects that block our path to “the solution” for “our problem.” Which is to say that block us from staying connected to God, self and others.