CONNECTING THE DOTS IN RECOVERY

Everything is better understood when seen in the context of where it fits. Like the steps fitting into the overall context of recovery. Or the promises, or character defects, or spirituality, or service and the attitude of gratitude. They all are spokes if you will, radiating out from the central hub of how recovery was laid out through the wisdom of the Founders of the Fellowship.

What I will share with you, the members of the Fellowship, is not simply my experience of the context of recovery but also of the family I work my recovery with. It is how we see it. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

The “we” in this case are my brothers at the Adult Recovery Center of the Salvation Army – as well as the men in the treatment program at the Union Gospel Mission, several prisons and other places I go to teach and learn the meaning of recovery. I give you what they gave me. Without them I would have little to say. So, again, “take what you like and leave the rest.” The following is how we practice and try very hard to internalize the whole meaning of recovery into our lives.

CONNECT THE DOTS

We start at the beginning. When something is broken where else is there to start? What’s our problem? If we get the problem wrong we’ll never get the solution right.

We stress in our classes, as does the Big Book, that “our problem” is not alcohol and drugs. This is what the Big Book and the 12 by 12 stress over and over. Although the space provided by this article limits the length of time and exercises we use to drive this point home – the point is that our 24 hour reprieve from using mind altering substances is based on our spiritual condition.

This way of seeing things is easy to say but not always so easy to grasp. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve stood before classes at prisons, drug courts, the Sally, Mission or “more normal” recovery gatherings and asked the simple question, what’s our problem? Where are we broken? What needs to be “fixed?” What’s our solution? Smelling that it is a trick question most groups don’t offer much in response. The all too obvious answer is, “Alcohol and drugs! Why the hell else do you think we are behind bars?” Or court ordered to treatment. Or knocked down so flat we had to come into the program on our hands and knees.

But again, if we get the problem wrong we’ll never get the solution right. Our problem, we hammer home again and again, is being stuck in the state of living called spiritual bankruptcy. Recovery is learning to live spiritual lives. Our problem is not chemicals. Our problem is us - and the way we lived our lives.

The question is never about, how important sobriety is. The absolute necessity of uninterrupted sobriety is never at question. The question is how does one best gain and maintain unbroken sobriety. This is not a question of being soft on sobriety. It is about being absolutely clear, honest and insistent about the need to not just stop the chemicals but to change our lives from the inside out. To change the way we have lived our lives while under the burden of active addiction.

Meet Charles. He’s three years clean now frequently speaks at our classes. Charles holds the record as far as I know of times through treatment. Charles went to various treatment programs – in prison, in the Armed Service, while on the “outside”- 49 times. He’s loud and clear telling our folks, “Every time I tried to stay sober by just staying sober I always failed. It wasn’t until I started focusing on ME, on the guy using all that alcohol and drugs that I finally started getting it right. That’s when change started happening in my life.”

THE SOLUTION

If the problem is spiritual bankruptcy – with isolation always at its core – then the solution has GOT to be gaining a spiritual dimension to our lives – which happens by staying connected. The 12 step way of life DEMANDS we stay connected to God, self and others. It is through and by this connection that the experience, strength and hope of the program flows into a person’s life. Staying connected is the channel through which spirituality grows in a person’s life, one step at a time, one day at a time.

The short form of a whole lot of time and effort in our classes is - recovery is learning to live a life based on spiritual principles rather than the values that underlie a life of active addiction. Shorter form yet – recovery is learning to love. Recovery is all about shrinking that famous “hole in our soul” – the lonely, dishonest, out of control life that every addict knows so well.

Every aspect of the program, every piece, is directed toward achieving that spiritual transformation so often spoken about in our literature. It is through staying connected in an honest, humble way to God, self and others that this spiritual transformation happens – AND keeps on happening. No one ever relapsed without first of all failing to stay connected.

Practicing the steps, getting a sponsor, going to meetings, doing service work, practicing prayer and meditation IS practicing a spiritual life. In a dog fight the dog that’s fed is the dog that wins. Connecting the dots in our recovery is about understanding that as human beings we crave and require love, acceptance and belonging to be healthy. When those necessary elements of our life are denied or blocked we suffer spiritual bankruptcy. Add the “physical allergy” to mind altering chemicals - - plus the mental obsession to acquire, protect and use those chemicals – and you have addiction.

We are what we practice. Practicing the steps and all the other spiritual principles and behaviors suggested in our program leads to and deepens spiritual living. Spiritual living is the only solution to the problem of spiritual bankruptcy and isolation that is at the heart of all addiction.

Failure to practice these principles and behaviors leads to the hole in the soul, which creates isolation, which ALWAYS greases the wheels of relapse.

Is this not your experience? If not in your own life of recovery then in the lives of those you travel recovery road with? Have you ever experienced relapse – either personally or in the lives of others – WITHOUT failing to stay connected? Has anyone ever relapsed WITHOUT cutting themselves off from their recovery family and returning to the isolation and self-hatred that is at the core of every addiction?

In the same vein, look at those who “make it.” Consider those you admire in recovery. Why do you admire them? What in their lives do you find so appealing? What are they doing that make their lives such a witness to the power of working their programs?

For me the answer to these questions is always around the still point of spirituality. Not just those who “do spiritual things” but those who truly ARE spiritual. Those I admire and who motivate me are those folks, men and women, who practice the principles of recovery from the inside out. They walk the talk. They have surrendered their lives to the “care of God as we understand Him.” And it shows.

If space permitted I’d love to share any number of examples of this spiritual transformation of the men and women it has been my privilege to know and work with who have moved and motivated me. No doubt it is better though for you to list your own examples. Those are more meaningful for you. Take the time to stop and identify those who motivate you. Then look at their lives, connect the dots, and see how they have found the solution to the problem.

STEP ONE

“WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL, THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGABLE.

Every one of the 12 steps can be seen as suggesting a value to be practiced.

Since we “are what we practice” when we “work the steps” we are practicing being different, better people than we were as practicing alcoholic/addicts.

Some see the value promoted by the first step is surrender. Others see it as honesty. Whatever the value the point is practicing the first step creates change. That’s what it is the first step of. It’s the first step of a radical transformation of o7ur character.

That difference between who we were and who we are and are becoming is the stuff of miracles. It is beyond measure. Where once we were owned by the physical allergy, the mental obsession and the spiritual malady of addiction – the recovering alcoholic/addict is now emerging as a very different person. And that emergence rides the rails of having “had a spiritual awakening as the results of these steps…”

Sometimes “telling our stories” turns into a “can you beat this one” contest of who was the meanest, baddest, craziest alcoholic out there? After a while drunk-a-logs are boring and counterproductive. The really exciting part of recovery is the bounce. It is the spiritual experience of hitting bottom and then the incredible height and depth that happens when a person truly, wholeheartedly embraces the principles of recovery into their lives. Anyone can have a terrible story. And who cares who was the craziest person in the asylum. The power, excitement and “glory of our story” is in the change. It’s in the transformation.

LOOK AT YOUR WORST MOMENT

The transformation that recovery is begins at the beginning, with the first step. It begins with the experience – not just the idea or theory or thought, but with the EXPERIENCE of hitting bottom, or kissing concrete, or getting the tap on the shoulder, or being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Call it what you will – but something deep inside changes. A light goes on. The pain of what is being lost finally outweighs whatever is being gained in the insane life style of active addiction. The truth of the “unmanageability” of a life due to the individuals “powerlessness over alcohol” finally comes out and hits us in the face with a ball bat.

One of the tasks we do with the men at the Salvation Army program is have them write out – the worst moment you have ever experienced in your addiction. It’s mandatory that they write it out. Then we tell them to put that piece of paper somewhere handy where they can get to it at a moment’s notice. The point is, if/when your particular form of “stinking thinking” starts yapping at you TAKE AOUT THAT SLIP OF PAPER and remind yourself of what you are dealing with. Get sloppy with your recovery efforts and that, whatever you wrote down, is waiting just beyond your nose to pull you down again. To that pain, whatever or wherever it was, and worse. It’s always worse the further you go down.

That “worst moment” was the result of the powerlessness over alcohol/drugs and the unmanageability of life they caused. No one started drinking/using to be an alcoholic/addict. No one started out wanting and planning to be a totally self centered, irresponsible, spiritually bankrupt person. No one intended to destroy him or herself and do their best to destroy everyone and everything they loved.

That’s how we teach about powerlessness and unmanageability. Not as an abstract idea but LOOK AT YOUR WORST MOMENT, which is where any of us will go back to, and worse if we don’t pay attention and be willing to “go to any lengths” to avoid relapse. THAT WORST MOMENT is the face of powerlessness and unmanageability. THAT WORST MOMENT always exists in the context of spiritual bankruptcy and isolation. THAT WORST MOMENT is always around the self-hatred that exists when a person fails to stay connected to God, self and others that feed the ever-hungry heart of an alcoholic/addict. In a dog fight, the dog that’s fed is the dog that wins. It’s as simple – and at times difficult - as that.

“I WANTED LOVE LIKE THAT”

Mostly what we then work on after the “worst moment piece” with our men new, or new again to recovery is the FREE GIFT of hitting bottom and the bounce upward the first step experience makes possible. This is starting at the start. The start is, “You once were lost and now are found.” So tell us how that happened? Tell us what your first step looked like.

Nearly all our men are felons. Nearly all of them have relapsed many times. Maybe their hitting bottom is different than others? Maybe they hit their bottom harder? I don’t know? But the stories of power and grace that flood into their lives is the light that gives the hymn Amazing Grace it’s meaning. Yet, as amazing as the stories are, many of our men (and many people in recovery in general) never tell this part of their story. How someone can be embarrassed to share such an incredible blessing in their lives yet are not embarrassed to tell the worst of their story is a mystery all in itself.

Each man is given the task of writing out their “moment of clarity” story as best they can. Many are then asked to get up in front of their brothers in our program and share this best of their story. (If your group – or you - has never done this, it is well worth the time and effort. It’s impossible to share such experiences and not see the hand of a loving Higher Power at work.)

Due to space constraints I can only relate one such story. It’s not extraordinary. Just one among hundreds. Hopefully it will give you a sense of what these first step sessions feel like.

Doug has a long rap sheet. He looks like he might be a poster boy for a neo Nazi skinhead group. He’s spent most of his adult life in prison. He came to us through the courts. Doug put out a shield of “don’t mess with me” like some kind of science fiction force field. Nothing of this world could crack that shield just like, “there will come a time when no power on earth will keep you sober.” We believe that “something not of this earth” reached out and cracked his shield all to hell. It happened this way:

Doug went to a mandated 12 step meeting. He said he was sitting there alone in the crowd feeling unbearable guilt and shame that had surfaced since getting off his chemicals. A tiny Puerto Rican woman he said tugged at his sleeve, looked him in the eye and said, “Don’t worry you are forgiven.”

Doug said he saw overwhelming love in this woman’s face and “just like that” this skinhead bad boy knew he wanted what this woman had in her face. He wanted love like that. He wanted what she had. At that moment he wouldn’t have identified what he had before as “spiritual bankruptcy” or what he saw in this woman’s face and wanted for himself as a “spiritual awakening” but that’s what the terms mean. How insane our addiction makes us isn’t the story. The story is in the power and glory of the bounce upward.

Doug is 6 months clean now and rolling along his spiritual path just fine, one day at a time. That was his first step story. What’s yours?